You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
