sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
did i just pee glitter
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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