Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
