i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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