My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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