she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
