I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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