My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
