Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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