Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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