Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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