I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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