Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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