dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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