smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
