After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
