At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
