Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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