did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
