God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
