everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
