im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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