explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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