i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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