I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
