Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
