haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
