Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
