dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
