Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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