theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
