1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
