this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
