we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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