watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
