the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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