Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
