I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
