Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
