I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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