I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
