mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
