we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
