I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
