the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
