How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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