have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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