ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
