I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
