I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
