mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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