bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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